Rejection Letters TO Agents

And here’s to  J.N. Duncan for posting some very funny rejections of rejection letters, i.e, those sent by aspiring authors to rather uninspired agents. (A nice counterbalance to one of my other favourite sites, Slushpile Hell.)

You can vote for your favourites at http://jnduncan.wordpress.com/2010/10/18/vote-for-the-best-query-rejection-response/

But here are my three top picks:

Dear Agent,

First of all, let me apologize again for stopping by unannounced to get some feedback on the query I Fedexed to you on 9/17/10. As I told security, my intention was to come across as persistent and enthusiastic, not, as your intern stated “rambling, with a desperate look in my eyes.” Suffice it to say, this has been a “teachable moment” for me.

And, of course, thank you for not pressing charges. It says a lot about you as a person, and makes me even more convinced you are definitely the perfect agent for me.

Best,

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent,

Thank you for your letter of rejection. Unfortunately, given the overwhelming volume of outstanding agents, I am currently only accepting responses from agents who can recognize true talent.

Please keep in mind that respecting an agent is a subjective process and an agent who cannot discern good literature may well be met with great enthusiasm by another. At any rate, it was kind of you to reveal your lack of experience and I wish you the best in finding a suitable client.

Sincerely,

Dear Agent,

I received your rejection. I have rewritten chapter three, which now features you as a character. You’re eaten by a giant spider in chapter four, regurgitated in chapter five, hung by your feet over a pit of fire in chapter six, covered in boils in chapter seven, fight a losing battle with a venereal disease in chapter eight, get tortured by an inquisitor in chapter nine, and chapter ten?. There are not enough circles in hell for what happens to you in chapter ten.

Will you represent me now? Or should I make this a series?

Best,

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